I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
