Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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