I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
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He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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