So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
