Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
