Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
