it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
