Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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