the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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