Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
