i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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