If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
