then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
