I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
