I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
