You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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