I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
