Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
