So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
