Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
