You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
