I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
