i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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