Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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