whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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