I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
