Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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