it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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