I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
