Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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