John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
