What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
