i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
