I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
