How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
