Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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