They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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