I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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