wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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