i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
