I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i think i just lost a toe
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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