Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
