Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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