Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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