Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
