1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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