Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
