please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
