i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
