I faked an abortion last night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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