Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
