It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
