I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
