She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
