I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
