AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
