Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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