you mean i was at the winter classic?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
that is very illegal...i love you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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