If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
