I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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