Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
